What They Don't Say

 

         Survivor, it took me a long time to stop calling myself a victim and at times, I find myself still referring to myself as a victim. Before my husband, I share very little with those in my circle about my childhood sexual abuse. I am not sure what it was, other than he is the person God designed for me to be with, for me to feel so open with sharing. He felt like the first person who was safe to share with, who I didn't fear judging me or not believing me. He was also the first person who encouraged me to seek help to heal. Yes, God is healing and He can heal the deepest wounds but He provides resources here on Earth for us to use as well. 

      What people don't tell you when you make the conscious decision to heal, it sucks. There is no nice way to put it. It sucks, it's hard, it makes you relive so much that happened to you and the stream of various emotions that come along with that. In sharing in my group I have discovered that sexual abuse looks different for everyone. Some of our stories sound the same, some of the ugly truths of our experiences mimic one another but each person is on their own journey and we can only be here for one another. 

     Some of my own defense mechanisms, survival tactics has always been to be a people pleaser. I grew up feeling like I was never enough, that people had to like me because they might see the real me. I had to be popular, I had to feel like I was part of the in crowd because that acceptance made me "normal". I am facing some decisions about my career. Being indecisive has been another issue from my trauma. Today I got really quiet in my living room. I put the phone up, I put my laptop down, I turned the tv off and I sat in prayer and meditation with the Lord asking for guidance.