The Worse Thing That Happens To You Is A Blessing

   

  Today I am doing something hard but since I was off today, rare on a weekend, I tuned in to the church service of a man who I will one day call my father-in-law. Pastor has a small church in a suburb outside Dallas but every week, when I tune in online it feels like the word is for me. Today was no exception to that rule.

    As he gave us a word this Palm Sunday, something he preached hit my spirit so hard but it was needed, it was so, so needed. See, I am going to today to ask some hard questions of someone I love and respect. This lady is in my top 5 people who I look at as a role model. She has literally loved me since the day I was born and yet, she isn't my mother. This situation, my being part of the 1 out of 5 women who are or have been victims of sexual assault of some kind, it has always felt like such a burden. There are situations surrounding it that made it very burdensome and yet, for decades, I have chosen to hold on to it, to let it fester inside me like some type of cancer that no one else knew was there but me and it has reeked havoc on my life because I never allowed the Lord to heal me. How can the Lord use you when you won't allow Him to heal you?

    In his preaching this morning, Pastor said, something along the lines of your hard times, things you go through, that is where your blessing are. I never looked at being a victim of sexual abuse as a blessing. It was this thing, this dirty, ugly thing and yet, in the midst of allowing the Holy Spirit to come on in, it hit me. My being a victim of sexual abuse was a blessing. Now before you get it twisted, hear me out.

    We are placed on earth in a certain time, in a certain way, in a certain place, in a certain family for God's purpose. He already knows our purpose but we are born without knowing our purpose. As we go through life, things happen to us that we can allow to ruin us or we can use those things for two purposes: one, to give Him praise and two, to bring others to the Kingdom through our testimony. The statistic is that 1 out of 5 girls/women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. So take 5 women at your job, at your church, in your circle, in your neighborhood, in the classroom or 5 random ladies you see out shopping or out to eat and 1 of them has been a victim. 

    The statistic is alarming but it's kept quiet because when you are the victim of sexual abuse, telling isn't always easy and sometimes, when you tell, you aren't believed. We feel empowered when we find out that we are not the only ones because when you are the victim, that place feels very lonely. It will isolate you on this island that you feel like you can't escape. I got stranded on my island at the age of 8. At the age of 15 I saw a plane and waved my SOS but the plane didn't recognize me and flew right on past me. When I was 30 years old, my abuser admitted what he had done to me but I was sworn yet again to secrecy, to bare the burden alone because it made the life of everyone I loved easier and so I did. I pushed the feelings to a numb place.

    I have used my numb place so many times in life. The numb place is where addicts go when they use whatever substance allows them to not feel. The numb place works great for the career I am in. It allows me to care for my patients without getting overly attached to any of them. I rarely cry when they pass away. Working covid and watching 23 people die in 10 weeks made my numb place harder because it was forcing me to face the reality of death and the destruction of covid. I decided to stop living in my numb place, to face the ugly truths that I have to call part of my life and my testimony. It meant saying hard things to someone I love. It meant facing the reality that I harbored resentfulness and bitterness. It meant that I could no longer function in my numb place because God needs me to do something. 

    See, my being a victim of sexual abuse is one part of my testimony but it's a major part and today, I realized it's a blessing. Had I not been a victim of sexual abuse, God could not use me to reach out and show other victims of sexual abuse that He is the one in control. He is the healer! He is the restorer! He is the psychologist! He is the comforter! He is the one who can take all the broken pieces of you and put them back into place and make them brand new! He is the protector! He is the provider of strength! He is the way, the truth and the light! 

    He allowed me to go through what I went through for His purpose and His glory! The Bible says in John 14:12 (NIV): "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do, and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father." See, God uses what we go through, our testimony, for His purpose! Hallelujah! 

    So today, I am going to ask some hard questions but I am doing it with a fresh mind and renewed spirit. The word tells us to profess the desires of our heart, Psalm 37:4. I want my loud mouth to be a mouth piece for the Lord. I want the Lord to heal me in a way that I can be an asset to the Kingdom and so that other little girls, young women and even old women know that they are not alone, that there is someone who can take that hurt and make us new again. I want to author a book and speak at conferences and yes, while I work in healthcare and go to school for a healthcare related job, I know way down deep that the Lord has a bigger purpose for me here. So, today, I am choosing to see my pain, the experiences I never asked for as a blessing.